Fear Fare

Author’s note: Welcome to Edition 14. I write about how fear can overwhelm and make you question every dream and decision. Please share your feedback. I also write a second newsletter with in-depth commentary on how new-age Indian businesses make money (Newsletter link here).

What we fear most may never arise, but the thought of it can paralyze. We live with one eye constantly rotating around rooms we enter and trying to peer through people we just met. We fear so many things we cannot pen down given time and a 100 foot scroll. Fear is agonising and suspends your reality. It clamps down on beliefs, throttles your hopes and you still have to smile. It dullens sensation, dampens joy and suffocates perceived progress. And still, we don’t declare fear a war crime.

It is treacle thick and has the consistency of quicksand. The more you want to escape, the deeper it pulls you in till you forget what you once wanted. You succumb to the darkest corners of your mind and imagine everything hateful in the same breath. There is no escape. All you can do is succumb to the cold clammy feeling that riddles your arms till you feel nothing. Your gut twists and contorts as if a sheathed knife pierced repeatedly through your ribcage. You have no answers. The sphinx has unanswered questions and time withers as the last grain drains from the hourglass. Time ran out but the quicksand still holds you in animated prayer.

You get to live another day as you are hauled out of the purgatory of your own making. You can still walk and run and do things but now it feels harder. Every breath takes more effort and every act comes with a pause. You question before words and stutter pre violence. The questions do not stop and people speak words and act before you can. You run forward on a chain and every day the chain shortens.

You feel fear deep within your bones and that chases every desire. It ransacks your thoughts till you question everything. Your race for relevance is always one slip away from inconsequence. You have no fallback plan. You do not get a second start. Every act and word has to be discharged with clarity and clairvoyance. A single slip is unpardonable. You painted yourself into a corner and the paint never dries. The shadows lengthen in the dark and you cannot bear to lift yourself and look them in the eye.

The darkness emerges out and chases your shadows which have grown larger. It nibbles at the corners of your shadow, at your frame and you feel a sudden weakness. You want to give in, to relent and be still. You see no light, hear no music and feel nothing. The darkness is triumphant and your shadow shrinks where it once grew.

You can never let go of these deep-seated tremors of inconsequence. These thwart your rise and interrogate your potential. You hang on by the scrap of your shadow and the fortitude of your will that doesn’t understand fear. You don’t understand fear but you can feel it. Maybe, you need to block that feeling, the tentativeness and lean into your shadow.

Inexplicably, leaning into who you’ve always been may give you an outlet. You’ve always known who you were till you stumbled upon fear. It was peripheral when you were ignorant. But now that you know, fear plays centre-stage in your life. You need to stop letting everyone in this easily. Your shadow can ward off fear. It might recoil first but it can push back with clammy hands and a leaky gut. It can disbar inconsequence that looms over every moment.

Your shadow of indeterminate height is standing in the room. It can overwhelm you if you are not careful but it can also fight feelings (fear) that you do not want to name. Strip the feelings of their name and they lose all relevance. Steel yourself and let your shadow stand beside you. All that matters is your perception. Be a person of consequence.